I did not want to give you a name. You were a blessing and yet I did not want you in my life. It wasn’t you and it wasn’t me. It was just the circumstances. I wish things were different. I wish the timings were better. I wish I could have been there to give you that beautiful life I dreamed for you. I wish I had wished for many more things. Better things.
I was there the moment you took your very first breath along with your melodious cries. You were born on 1st April 2019. You were the third born out of the litter of three with a mother who is loved and adored by so many. With a mother who has had many such adventures which alas! you would never have. I was there when you first opened your big baby blue eyes. I loved the moments when I would wake up in the morning and roll to the left side of the bed and gaze at the drawer full of you and your siblings looking right back at me. You made me smile. You made me laugh. Something I rarely do these days. You were the chubbiest out of the litter and looked like an exact miniature of your mother. You were just so adorable when you would try to compete with your brother and sister who had already started to walk. You would flap your chubby body around as your tiny legs would slip on the smooth flooring of my room. Oh! The spirit you had!
Watching you grow up that first month made up for that rather slumber of a holiday I was having. Every day I would watch you and your siblings grow; impatient because I wanted to see your litter run around the home like a bunch of furry energy balls. I was running out of my holidays. Soon I would have to go.
I remember the day I left. I was packing my bags and it was the first day you and your siblings explored the great beyond, beyond my bedside drawers. It was your first big adventure and you were a hero. You were like those three little musketeers exploring all the awkward and complicated spaces of room. Oh! How you loved biting and scratching my toes like they were your very first toys. I did not want to leave but circumstances made it so.
I do not believe in naming a new born right away. I believe a little of the personality should always shine in the name bestowed to you. While away, I would always think of what I would name you and your siblings, but I would always abstain from it. I did not want to get attached. I knew you would soon get adopted. I made the mistake once and faced the resultant heartbreak. I thought if I didn’t name you three I could spare the remaining fragments of my heart. Silly me!
Finally! After 21 torturous days without you fur balls, I finally got a break. I finally could come back and see you all personally. Video calls though great, they can’t beat the personal touch of meeting in person. During my 4 hours of travel all I could think of was how I would spend them with my family and how it would be the best gateway together. You were family.
I walked through the door and opened the balcony doors with a bright smile in the anticipation of seeing you after so long. When my eyes finally rest upon you running towards me, my smile suddenly turned into a frown. You were no more the chubby little kitten. I got worried seeing you so frail and small while your siblings were almost twice your size. You looked sick and weak. At dinner that day, my father made a comment about you not making it; that your end is near. I screamed at him for having such negative thoughts and a foul mouth. That was my first day home and I could not sleep with my father’s words ringing in my ears all night like a nightmare.
The next morning, I had made up my mind. After all, I had the whole sleepless night to think about things. I just cannot let my father’s words be the ultimatum. My determined heart took your shaky self to the doctor. For the onlooker I probably looked just like any other pet parent taking their pet to the doctor. But on the inside, I was screaming and crying and shouting at the world for being so brutal, so harsh, so heartless towards a 52 day old little kitten. But it was your first day out in the city, first day riding the dashboard of a car in a little pink basket. For those few hours you strained your neck and like a little ray of sunshine absorbed the world around you with wonder. I could see it in your eyes. You were happy. It was your second big adventure. Looking at you being all giddy made me smile. Those few moments made you forget your pain for a while.
Visiting the doctor and getting you checked gave me a little assurance and hope and it helped me get over the statement that my father made. I finally believed that you would make it. The day made me realize that you were a strong kitten just like your mother. I took care of you for a couple of days and you showed progress. You were finally eating some and walking a little more. You would wrestle around with your siblings a bit which you had almost given up before. Though I dreaded leaving you as my small gateway came to an end, I finally believed that with the medicines and the care that the family gave, you would be okay. I kissed you goodbye and whispered- Stay Strong!
For a week, I would check up on you through those regular family calls. You were having baby improvements and I believed you would get better. Though you secluded yourself a lot from your siblings you were eating better and looked stronger. Your legs no more shook as much as before when you walked. I had hope and I was counting the days till I see you again.
Yesterday was different. During that same daily routine family video call, my mother told me that you were the most energetic today. You spent the whole morning playing with your brother and sister, the way you used to before. I asked her to get you on the call. She said that you were exhausted and sleeping the exhaustion off. That made me laugh out loud. You were finally going to be okay. My wishes and prayers were answered.
Today morning, I was at work doing my best working on the field with a happy and a confident heart. Amidst my pitch, I received a call from my brother and I as usual thought he wants something from me. Because that’s why he usually calls. Never in a million years would I have thought that something was wrong. It was bad. Really bad. There were tears at my work space.
He told me you screamed in the middle of the night. It was your cries. He told me your whole body was shaking. You were having seizures. I think at that moment I did too. He told me you haven’t moved off your blanket since the morning. You had slipped into a coma. By that time, I had gone numb too. He told me the ideas my father and mother had about your burial. You were still breathing! I screamed at him and at myself for not being able to take care of you. I pleaded him to take you to the doctor. That you would be okay. That you were strong. You were!
I couldn’t focus on my work all day. I searched the web endless looking for something, anything that could help you, save you. I was not ready to letting you go. For god’s sake, I hadn’t even named you! I found a solution from a doctor that giving you honey would help you come out the hypoglycemic coma, that there still was hope. You looked so frail and unresponsive that if wasn’t for your steady chest movements one would think otherwise. I prayed and then I prayed a little more. I have never been so desperate and I just wished on all the stars out there that you would be okay. My brother informed me that you responded. You moved. You got out of coma. I thanked the universe for the miracle that was you. I asked my brother to give you some drops milk after half hour and let me know the updates. Thirty minutes later he texted me- ‘He is gone’.
I called and I called and called but no one answered. I did not know what to do, what to feel. It was all too much and all at once. After 45 minutes, I received a call from my brother that they buried you in the garden outside my room. I guess I can still see you while I lay in my bed, now just from the window instead. You would have been exactly 2 months old today.
Now I know why they call it a Rainbow Bridge. It was made for the wonders like you. You were an amazing soul and though it aches when I think about you, I know those little beautiful memories would always make me smile when I would have bad days in my future to come.
Before today, I had never lost someone so dear to me. I did not know how to love and then I met your mother. She brought me out of my cocoon and taught me so many things a human would call me crazy if I said- ‘My cat taught me that.’ From the very few days that I got to spend with you, I would still say that I loved you with my whole being. You made smiling and laughing seem so easy. From the very first moment of yours in this universe, you were strong, so strong! You were like a little fighter that fought the odds this cruel world threw at you being all headstrong. With your eyes full of wonder, you made me believe, have hope and fight. I guess I would have named you- Thor.